Motherhood

I know it may seem like Twixter One and I gave up on this blog, which we kind of did, but I've had this urge to write again ever since Bean was born. So I think that I'll write on here even if it's just purely cathartic reasons.

Baby Bean came into this world on August 14 at 1:48 pm. Funny story about that. He was due on August 25. The night before I went kind of crazy and psycho cleaned our entire apartment. Apparently that's a sign of labor and I didn't realize it. So the next morning, I went into my last day of work opening at 4:30 am and felt kind of strange to say the least. I got to work and was doing my thing and thought I felt my water break. The thing about being pregnant for the first time is you have zero idea what to expect. Some women's water don't break at all. And it's not how it seems in the movies. Your water doesn't break and 15 minutes later you're having a baby.

So I did the natural thing. I ignored it. I kept work until around 6 am when I was then pretty positive my water broke. The beginning contractions were also a sign. So I called Husband and woke him up. I then called my manager to come take over. He was freaking out. He called 3 different times on his way over because he thought I was going to pop out a baby in the back room. I laughed and kept working, because that's what I do. I headed home and Husband and I waited around for an hour or two until my contractions were closer together. I know you're supposed to go straight into the hospital when your water breaks but my contractions were still over 20 minutes apart. So we sat around and got everything ready since I would much rather be at home than in a hospital.

We finally go to the hospital around 8 am and checked in. No one tells you about this part of delivery. The boring part. We just sat around playing cards until they could move me into the actual delivery room. I had decided to have a natural birth even though the nurse who was first attending to me made me feel like an idiot about it. She proceeded to tell me about her 3 natural deliveries but how I wouldn't be able to do it. So that really pushed my confidence. But by the time I got to the hospital I was 6 cm dilated out of 10 and the contractions hadn't been unmanageable. So I told the biatch to STFU and kept going. I didn't really tell her that. I was much more pleasant. Which is surprising for a woman going into labor.

So skip the boring stuff, I had a horrible contraction and finally asked the nurse (a new much nicer one) if I could have some IV pain meds. She went to go get them and I was overcome with a desire to push about 2 hours earlier than they said I would. When the nurse got back I informed her, "Um....I feel a really strong urge to push" where she proceeded to laugh and check me out. Much to her surprise, I was ready to go. So she calls for another nurse to go get my doctor who was on her way to perform a circumcision. Husband is holding up one of my legs and the nurse the other while several other nurses flutter around prepping the room. When Bean was ready, he was sure ready. So I didn't even have time to get any meds and had to pop out a baby.

The pain was no picnic I'll tell you that. It was like the worst burning pain ever. Everyone told me you'd forget about the pain after the fact. Not entirely true. It doesn't feel as strongly in my head obviously, but I didn't just block it out either.

But once he was out, nothing really mattered. It was amazing to just see him outside of me. This thing that had been moving around, LIVING in me for 9 months was here. And he was the cutest squid baby I'd ever seen. (I don't care what anyone says, there is no cute newborn except your own.) In fact, I think Bean has graduated into being called Squid now. He had such a smooshy little face and a cone head covered in hair. I was born nearly bald so I have no clue where his hair came from. Even husband wasn't born with much hair at all.

I do have to say, I felt like a champion after the delivery. The nurses were all amazed that I was smiling and joking with them even up to the time to push. My doctor kept calling me a champion. My main nurse told me she would come in on her day off to deliver my second kid. The other nurse told me if all her deliveries were like mine she would work 7 days a week. And the last nurse (this is my favorite) told me I was the best and easiest delivery she had ever done in her five years at that hospital. So needless to say I felt like Wonder Woman. And Squid was perfect.

But now, 2 months later, I'm still in shock I have a kid. I'm a twixter. I haven't finished college, and I work a crappy job that most people use as a second job. Yet here I am. A mom. I start work this week so maybe that's why I'm feeling nostalgic about it. I don't feel like I'm ready to teach someone how to live. I mean I'm still trying to figure that out myself.

I wish I could stay home with him all the time. I also wish I could get more than 3 hours of sleep at a time. Supposedly that should be getting better in the next month or so. We'll see about that.

Twixter Two

Just a little bit vindictive ...

I've been quite polite through this entire thing. My emails have been professional, I've given the appropriate amount of notice, and have given more patience than what should be required of me. I have tried, tried, tried and gotten very little back.

So no, I really don't feel bad that I twisted every light bulb in the place a quarter turn to the left. Just enough so they won't connect. Nope, in fact, I don't feel even the smallest bit of bad for you when you find that the only light in the apartment "doesn't work."

Good riddance. That's all I have left to say.

I'm Too Skinny? And Pregnant?

This morning I was told that I wasn't eating enough. That's only happened twice in my entire life.

The first time was my sophomore year of high school when I became obsessed with having abs. (Which I still think to this day is not physically possible with my body type unless I take some kind of alternate substance to help my muscles grow. Which would look weird and gross.) My father came home from work, looked at me rooting around in the fridge and said, "you need to eat more. You're too skinny."

At the time, I was running several miles a week, I had just had a huge growth spurt over the summer and was doing 1000 crunches a day. I repeat: 1000 crunches. Every. Single. Day.

I'd wake up and roll out of my bed onto the floor and do 200, plus another 300 before leaving for school after breakfast. When I got home from school, I'd do another 300 and 200 before bed. It hurt to laugh.

Yeah. There was seriously something wrong with me.

This time, it was from my Ob-GYN or Lady Doc as I shall now call her. I weighed in this morning at 132 pounds a around 12 weeks in my pregnancy. I was 135 pounds when I found out I was pregnant. I now have a tiny little belly bump which just looks like I ate a few giant bowls of pasta, but it's there! Oh, Husband and I are fondly calling the baby Bean from now until we find out the gender.

Lady Doc talked to me about the importance of nutrition and how I need to not be afraid of how fat I'm going to get. She told me how she can't remember what she looked like when "she was a whale" as she called it. Her mind completely blocked what she had looked like. She remembers being pregnant but not what it looked like.

It felt strange. I not choosing not to eat. Bean is still sometimes making me puke up everything. I've developed a brand spanking new lactose intolerance (which is normal) and had to figure out a whole new way to eat. I'm only NOW getting my appetite back.

But they way she talked to me, you'd think I'd been caught hiding food or bingeing. Lately, I walk around the apartment in tight shirts and yell for Husband to look at my belly. I definitely wouldn't say I'm worried about getting fat.

Although she told me I have to gain a full 30 pounds by the time I reach the end of my pregnancy. It's normally anywhere from 25-30 but because of my size and weight, she wants it to be the full 30 pounds. My cat is around 5 pounds. That's like draping 6 of him all over my body. Or more appropriately, stacking 6 of him on my stomach. That FREAKS ME OUT. 30 pounds?! That's a lot.

So needless to say, this whole pregnancy thing is all shiny and full of happiness at the joy of life. I'm practically glowing as I sit, having to pee in the laundromat but not wanted to use the nasty bathroom.

Also, I'm hungry. Again. Maybe Taco Bell on the way home? Mmmm.....

Isn't it glamorous?

Happy New Year, 18 days Late....

Well, even with the guilty hints from Twixter One, it has taken me a total of 18 days to update this brand new year, on top of the almost 6 months it has been since I've even updated at all.

Wow. That was an embarrassing revelation.

I had such high hopes of blogging all last year. It was supposed to be awesome! Twixter One and I had been working on getting our blog out there for the world to see then we just....stopped. Well, I stopped. Twixter One at least attempted, kind of. :)

Now is a new year, a time for new starts. I decided not to have any New Years Resolutions. I find I either never remember them or just feel guilty at the end of the year for not accomplishing them. The not accomplishing is usually followed by excuses to why it was an unrealistic goal in the first place. Excuse-Excuse-Whine-Whine-Whine.

Well I'm tired of whining. And I'm tired of my own excuses. So this year is a year about doing. Not goal setting and listing, it's a year of making it happen. Figuring out what the hell I actually LOVE in my life. Because I still don't truly know. I still feel like that floundering high school girl who can't decide what to major in because that determines what she'll be doing for the next 30 years of her life. How wrong was I? (Incredibly wrong, actually.)

So the real reason behind all this "doing" not pretending is my big news of 2011. I found out just before Christmas that Husband and I are expecting a little Twixter of our own. You read correctly. I'm preggo.

I do have to say how excited I am. This was not planned per say, but Husband and I were planning on kids within the next year or so anyhow. It was just a tidbit earlier than we had hoped. Nothing wrong with that. Everyone keeps telling me you are never truly ready to have kids. You just have to make it happen.

So yes, I do feel a sort of time crunch. Every time I get sick (which for me is night sickness, not morning sickness) I'm reminded of how much my body and life are going to be changing. Will forever be changed after this baby is born.

A little bit of honesty: When Husband and I found out I was pregnant, I freaked out. And not in a good way. All I saw was myself raising kids and doing nothing for the rest of my life. I mean, I have 6 college classes left to a degree. When am I going to take them? When are we going to want to set aside extra money for a crazy irresponsible projects (like moving across the country to start a production company) after we have kids? We actually have to be adults now.

Needless to say, I calmed down. A LOT. After the initial shock faded, I got excited. Who says my life has to end? It's a baby, not an anchor. My journey on this ocean of life doesn't need to marooned forever. I just picked up some extra crew.

My parents worked really hard to keep doing what they wanted to do with their lives, even after I was born. They started several business, and just kept living. I want that. I want to keep living. I'm still only 23 years old. (Oh yeah, my birthday was in November).

So there's that. Man, I forgot how awesome it feels to blog.

Hm. Maybe I can actually keep DOING it. What do you think Twixter One?

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year! And ... OOPS! Looks like Twixter Two and I have managed to let our little blog slip for quite some time now. But I promise you, there is good reason behind it. The last six-months have been a roller coaster, to say the least, with plenty of changes to talk about. I’ll let Twixter Two catch you up on her stories (hint-hint, clue-clue, guilt-guilt) but as for me I feel like so much has changed, to the point it seems like nothing has changed! But nonetheless - here are the highlights:

CH-CH- CH- CHANGES!
The biggest change in the past 6-months actually happened just a couple days ago. After over a year-and-a-half of living an hour (or two) away from each other, The Boyfriend has finally moved up North! Now, he’s just a 10-minute drive away, and I’m LOVING IT! After months of fighting graduation and unemployment, he finally landed a gig at one of the studios in town. It only took a couple weeks of that torturous 2-hour drive to convince him it was time to get a place up North.

I’m SO flippin’ excited to have him near me, although I have to admit, it’s going to take an adjustment. We have been in “relationship survival mode” for so long - planning out our dates weeks in advance, going days upon days without seeing each other - than now I’m not sure how to handle having a “full-time” boyfriend! Of course - it’s a great problem to have, and a great way to start 2011!

CH-CH-CH-CHANGING!
Speaking of moving: After over a year and a half at my current place, I’m pulling out the moving boxes once again. (or maybe just stealing what’s left of The Boyfriends). Over the last month its become very clear that it was time for The Actress and I to go our separate ways. (A story for another time, when distance allows me to laugh about it rather than scream.) Half of me is itching and excited to find a new place, but the other half is dreading the pack up and move dance. I can’t wait for the day when home is permanently home!

So, now it’s time for the roommate hunt, which is always frustrating, weird, and awkward. I find it funny that when dating someone you take months, even years, to decide that they are worthy enough to share your home with. But when hunting for a roommate you have a week - sometimes only days - to decide that they’re good enough to move in with - even if it’s just for a year or two. Needless to say, my roommate hunt so far has brought out it’s share of kooks, but there’s a few bright spots on the horizon that I hope will be a perfect fit.

CH-CH-CH-NOPE.
Strangely enough, the one thing that I THOUGHT would change over these past 6-months is still the same. I’d been on the job hunt over the summer months, when a “new” opportunity fell into my lap. After a good friend left our small company, her position was served to me on a sparkling silver platter. Goodbye Assistant-hood, hello - well, another job. I’d love to say that Production Coordinator was my dream job, but it brought with it quite a few obstacles to jump over (or run over) along the way. There are days that I absolutely love my job, and others that make me want to run crying back to Vegas. But, as my family continues to remind me, that’s business, so I’m sticking it out for at least a couple more months.

Of course, this all could change come February, when I’m expecting/ hoping/ praying for an acceptance letter to a industry program I applied for last November. This will be my 2nd year applying, and while I know not to get my hopes up (I have a 15/2000 chance of landing it) I can’t help but hope that this will be my year.

As I look back over 2010, I realize that it was a year of rest for me. 2010 taught me how to be satisfied with my life - to enjoy my job, my friends, and my city. However, sometimes I wonder if it crossed the line and not only taught me to be satisfied, but also to be comfortable living the same-old, same-old day after day. As I face a 2011 that I hope will be filled with changes, the comfortable part of Twixter One starts to get more and more anxious about what is to come. While I know that change is good, I have to remind me that in order to change, I have to lose control of that aspect of my life - something that I DEFINITELY don’t like to do. I’m smart enough to know that one day I’ll look back at this part of my life, and everything will once again make sense. Of course, I wouldn’t mind a little common sense here and now too.

Happy New Year All!

Family Vacation

When I was really little, summer vacations were never a big deal in my family. I remember summers where all my friends would leave to go on road trips to Yosemite or the Beach, and always wondered why my family was stuck at home.

The truth is, my dad is not a big fan of crowds. It’s like pulling teeth to get him to play tourist - and to travel during the busiest time of the year is an absolute no go. Instead, we’d take our summer vacations in October - every October 31st to be exact. (Nevada Day for those who are unaware, when Nevada school children get the day off for Halloween to celebrate Nevada becoming a state). Most of the time this meant a trip to Disneyland, where my mother would dress all of the kids in horrific tye dye Micky Mouse sweatshirts and tote us around the park. (I’m pretty sure our family photo is still up for the world to see in the photo shop. yikes!) On the years that we didn’t go to Disneyland, we’d join in with a few other families and rent a houseboat for a week at Lake Mead, leaving me with many memories of a half a dozen kids sleeping under the stars on the roof of the houseboat.

My family eventually caught on to the nature of summer vacations once I was in high school. That’s when we discovered the Lake of the Ozarks. Lake of the Ozarks is a 23-hour drive from Las Vegas, and of course with MY dad that meant we’d be driving. My dad’s version of cross country road trips involves only stopping when the car says so. You have exactly the amount of time it takes to fill up the gas tank on my dad’s F250 to grab food, use the facilities, and do as many jumping jacks as possible before it’s time to hit the road for another 300 miles. As soon as I had my first job I began saving for plane tickets to the Ozarks, and I haven’t looked back since.

By the time we reached the Ozarks my family was ready for a week straight of vacation. It was the perfect vacation - our lake house tucked away at the shore - a 20 minute drive to the closest convenience store, an hours drive from the closest Walmart. It was the perfect vacation - a REAL vacation - with no plans, nothing to see, nothing to do. We went skiing, suntanned, grabbed lunch on the lake - and once we were old enough a couple of beers too. It is the idealistic vacation, and one that I relied on to refresh and replenish my soul.

As I type this, my family is currently enduring the endless road trip back to Nevada. The Baby is begging to watch another episode of Hannah Montana on the laptop, and The Teenager is complaining that she can’t get cell signal in no-wheres-ville. My mom is suggesting they stop at the cute little antique store on the side of the road, and my Dad is staring at the road sending mean thoughts to my brother for flying home early. My brother is already back early in Vegas - thinking up the best excuse to explain why he stole the Land Sharks that were being brought back for me.

Meanwhile, I’m sitting in my office, staring at a picture of the lake house on my computer screen, and pretending the sound of my air filter is really water lapping up on the lake shore.

No, my family didn’t disown me when I decided to move to LA. I was still welcome to come on our family vacation, and spent months studying the ticket prices on Allegiant hoping to grab a stellar sale. However, responsibility soon weaseled it’s way in. My vacation days were few, and as the trip came closer I was holding out for a very important phone call that I just couldn’t miss.

The time came for my family to leave, and I stayed in LA. Work was slow - I had nothing to do. and the phone call never came. Suddenly staying in LA sounded like the worst idea ever.

I wanted to call my Mom to pout and complain, thinking maybe I could trick her into suggesting that she’d pay for my plane ticket. I wanted to call my Dad and remind him that 22 is still REALLY young to be living completely independent in one of the biggest cities on earth, and doesn’t he want to see his little girl again? I wanted to throw a hissy fit, to have Mom and Dad rescue me from the boredom and frustration that is living an adult life - let me escape to the Ozarks where there is no such things as worries.

Instead a grew up, threw on my business flats, and went to work. Being an adult isn’t always so fun.

Staycation

When I first started at my current job, there was one thing that I was particularly excited about: VACATION DAYS. The idea that once I worked long enough the company would PAY me to take a day off and travel to exotic locations was the cherry on top.

Of course, I didn't consider the fact that being paid for vacation days didn't necessarily mean I could afford to travel to these exotic locales. So instead my vacation days have sat unused - or even worse, used for doctors appointments.

This past weekend I finally took the plunge and took an elaborate, exciting and thrilling 4-day vacation - to Los Angeles. That's right - I took a vacation at home. Before you roll your eyes at the term "staycation" however, let me explain. I turned my vacation response on. My cell phone off. My computer stayed at my desk. Heck - I didn't even get on Facebook!

The Best flew down from Nor Cal, The Fashionista drove up from Orange County and we had a full fledged girls weekend. This WAS the kind of weekend we had dreamed about in college. We drank Bitch Wine and ate Tarts until 2 am, laid out on the beach all day, and ate at this hole-in-the-wall Hollywood spot called Miceli's where our waiter was an actor who sang "Falling in Love with You" to us gals.

On Saturday we spent bucket loads of money as we shopped literally until we dropped, and then attempted to make fruity girly drinks from sorbet and rum picked up spontaneously from Trader Joes. Sunday was a hike through Griffith Park’s “Old Zoo” and a fireworks show in the park, before we all crashed on Monday morning.

It was the perfect weekend, something that I badly needed to rejuvenate my soul and brighten my outlook on life. I think my roommate, The Actress, said it best when she mentioned that she'd never heard me laugh like that in the year we've been living together!

There is nothing that can replace good, quality time with girlfriends who intimately love and know you. There's no embarrassment, no explaining needed - just girls who know you and accept you for all your quirky qualities.

It’s been a year since I’ve moved to LA, and slowly I’ve found my way around this city and made quite a few friends in the process. But no matter how exciting the city, after a while the hum drum of life gets you down and you need something special to pick you up.

That’s where I learned the benefit of having your best friends live miles apart. There is no room to take friendships for granted, there’s no assuming that they’ll always be around for drinks or a movie. They don’t become a part of the hum drum of life.

Instead, they’re the special, amazing, miraculous thing that picks you up and brightens your outlook on life again. That turns your old hum drum of a city into an exciting staycation worth more than any Caribbean cruise. Suddenly, the distance doesn’t seem half that bad.

The Epitome of My Nerdiness: Vidcon 2010

Oh. *shuffles awkwardly* It's, uh, been a while. No, things have been fine. Been busy. *looks down* You? Oh that's nice.

So as per usual, I haven't been here in a while. Over a month in fact. Whoops. But here I am now and I have some fun happening this week and I'd like to blog about it.

First, on July 11 is my 1 year anniversary. How crazy is that? It feels like just yesterday I was writing things like this. It's been such a strange journey. I realized just yesterday that I've been in Las Vegas for 7 months. I honestly thought it had only been less than 6. I thought that film school was still not that long ago. It really was that long ago. Time is moving by so fast and I don't know what to do about it.

But for our Anniversary, Husband and I are going down to Southern California to go to Disneyland!!! I haven't been in a very long time and I can't wait to go watch World of Color and visit all my favorite rides. Bonus is we also get in free since we know someone who works there still and will sign us in. Thus making it even more awesome.

But here's the craziest news. There is the conference in Los Angeles called Vidcon. And I'm going. Now many of you are asking, "Well, Twixter Two, what is Vidcon?" I'm so glad you asked.

I'll let the Vidcon2010.com site tell you in its own words: Vid-Con is a three-day conference bringing together the brightest lights in the billion-views-a-day community known as the online video industry. Join us at the first ever gathering of the most influential and popular independent video makers online and the communities that have made them a force in the world.

So pretty much one of the nerdiest things I've ever done. But here's the crazy story of how I ended up with probably 2 of the last 25 tickets available.

Husband and I were going to the midnight premiere of Eclipse (which was awesome by the way. Other update to come for that) where we realized it would be a great place to promote BITE. So we printed out little papers and walked the line selling BITE to random people waiting. I cannot begin to describe how difficult it is to explain to people that YouTube is used for more that just the dramatic chipmunk and Charlie Bit Me videos. There are people making careers out of it and I want to be one of those people.

After walking the line and the getting into the theater, we had about an hour to just wait. So Husband brought up Vidcon. He had randomly researched it while he was at work and wanted to talk about maybe going to promote BITE. Now here's the weird part: That day, I had received a random commission check from the job I hated for the EXACT amount of 2 tickets to Vidcon. The same day Husband randomly looked at Vidcon was the day I got my check. So we decided to just go. We were already going to be in California, we'd just have to extend the trip 2 days. Seemed worth it to us. So we got home from Eclipse around 3:30 AM, bought tickets, and the next morning it was sold out. Crazy, right? I know!

So we're now headed to Vidcon to attempt to promote and network and have an awesome time. I can't describe how excited I am to be there. I've been wanting to attend Vidcon since its inception and now I really get to be there.

So more update posts to come this weekend! Vidcon is Friday and Saturday. Disneyland is Sunday. Fun with Friends and figuring out how I'm finishing school Monday and Tuesday. I'm going to be so tired when we get back.

Miss you all (Especially you, Twixter One.)

--Twixter Two

The Bad Blog

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged, and though there’s a reason, I’ve been holding back from blogging about it.

In fact, I’ve been undecided since we started this blog about whether or not I’d blog about the subject at all. For one, this is a blog about growing up and while this certainly defines my version of “growing up”, it deviates so far away from everyone else’s version of “growing up” that I can’t argue it into the margin of error. And for two, it’s something that I usually avoid talking about. In fact, it’s something that actually took me a year to be comfortable telling anyone about at all - let alone announcing it to the world wide web.

But unfortunately at this stage in my life its becoming so overwhelming that its keeping me from blogging - both physically keeping me from being able to sit down at my laptop, and mentally keeping me from having anything to blog about.

I have fibromyalgia. The name probably sounds familiar, meaning that you’ve seen the commercial on at 2 o’clock in the afternoon where a silver haired old lady talks about her aches and pains and then supposes that the upcoming drug (and all the surgeon’s general warnings with very fine print) help her to live a normal life.

Well, I’m 22 years old and I feel like I’m doing about as well as a 78 year old lady. at least for now my hair is still brown.

Fibromyalgia wreaks havoc on your body. It makes you joints hurt, your muscles hurt, all the way down to your knuckles and your fingertips. There is never a day where my pain level is below a 4 or 5 - and those are the days I consider “good days.” My body is in a constant nerve war, leaving me continually exhausted physically and often cloudy and unfocused mentally.

I say this and it all makes sense to me, however I know that most people who read this will simply pass it off as “yea, I have days like that too” or think of me as a whinny hypochondriac who can’t handle being a little under the weather.

Well, I’m going on 3-years of being “under the weather” - a turbulent up and down, where I never know how I’m going to wake up the next morning. I’m tired of waking up each day and doing a mental check - legs good, knees bad, lower back is fine but my throat muscles are so stiff I can barely breathe. The last couple of months have been even worse as the doctor is trying to adjust my medication, leaving me in near tears every morning when it’s time to crawl out of bed.

It’s hard to explain, and even harder to explain how others should deal with the info. I don’t want to be treated differently, to have others tip toe around me or think that every time I sniffle it’s because of the fibro. (It’s not.) and yet, I need people to know and understand that I’m not a lazy or an unreliable friend when I constantly have to shift or back out of things.

I wish I was a normal twenty something, and most of the time I try to pretend that it’s so. I think I do a pretty good job of it. I push myself to go to parties and say yes to movie invitations, even when I know that it will be a mental game of “I think I can” to get myself through. Most days, it’s an accomplishment to make it through a 9-hour day at work, and when the clock hits 5:30 a sense of relief overcomes me that I haven’t fallen apart yet.

I don’t want to be like this. I’m not the introvert who wants to stay her room all day and follow friends on facebook who are out having marvelous adventures. I want to be out there, doing fun, crazy and insane things that you’re supposed to do in your twenties. But sometimes I feel like it’s going to take my entire twenties to fight through this miserable disease, and that by the time I come out on the other side I’ll find myself in adulthood having to “grow up” - when “growing up” is the only thing I’ve been doing the last year and a half that I’ve been on this regimen.

I wish this post wasn’t so disheartening or so sad, or that I had some cheery “so what do you think” to add to the end of it, but the fact is - life just kind of sucks right now. I feel like I’ve hit a rut - and this disease is only helping to turn the rut into a deep endless pit that I’ll never get out of. This week I’m making another trek over to the doctor to figure out what is going on, though that never seems to be the final answer. So, for now, excuse the spotty posting - if I ever get back to feeling close to normal again, I promise you more blogs will resume.

Lost without LOST

Wow.

That is all I can say. One of my favorite shows of time, the show I have been watching live since the 2nd season, is over.

I just finished the series finale of LOST not 30 minutes ago. I have to tell you I couldn't feel more satisfied.

This won't be a spoiler blog, just my feelings of the final episode overall.

After the finale, I feel completely happy. I know there are still questions left unanswered but honestly, I don't give a shit. I LOVED the finale. I watch this show not only for the mysteries but for the love of the characters and their journey through the hell that is the island and their realities. It has been the people that have kept me enthralled even 6 seasons later.

Jack has been my favorite character from the pilot episode. Even when he was a douche bag all throughout season 3-4, I was loyal. I knew that he would redeem himself. And my God, he did.

As stated before, I'm not a very emotional person, at least vocally. I definitely found myself gasping and jumping in my seat as the story came to a close.

And yes, I will admit it, I cried.

As the final shots and conversation were happening, tears of joy and saddness ran down my face. I've been watching Lost for the last 5 years. It's been such a huge part of my life. When we first got to college, Husband and I bought season 1 on sale and started it. We ended up staying up all night for 2 nights in my car due to the dorm rules watching it on my mini DVD player. After that we were hooked.

I went to Comic Con and watched the LOST panel 2 years running. I'll never forget nearly each commercial break turning to Husband and whatever friends were watching mouth agape yelling, "WHAT?!?! What does that even mean?!" I've theorized, dreamed, screamed, jumped, laughed, cried and fought about LOST. It's been apart of me for nearly 1/4 of my life. It will always be something very special to me.

While I'm happy it's over and I feel satisfied, I'm truly mourning that my longest TV relationship has come to an end.

Oh LOST. What in the world am I going to do without you?

Do you watch LOST? How did you feel about the ending?

I'm FREE!!!!

This morning is the morning I’ve been waiting for, working for, dreaming of for the last year and a half.

No - there’s no new job, ring, house, niece, nephew or cat.

But I WAS greeted with this lovely sight after making my internet rounds this morning:


That’s right! After 6-months of unemployment and over a year and a half of carrying a nasty balance on my two very high interest rate credit cards - I’M OFFICIALLY DEBT FREE!!! (Or at least bad debt free as I’ll be working to pay off “the big one” for years to come.)

I’m the kind of person who likes to work on a project, and see immediate results. I have a check list on my stickies that controls my life - I live to be able to check things off that list - to see immediate action and immediate results.

Of course, attempting to pay off thousands of dollars in credit card debt is not an instant gratification deal. At first I got frustrated - almost gave up - because even though I was brown bagging it to lunch and learning to enjoy window shopping, my credit card bill ate up my $100 payments like a little kid clearing broccoli from his dinner plate - there was SOMETHING gone, but no one could tell quite what.

But almost exactly a year later I have paid off every last penny. I feel a weight lifted from my shoulders - and it’s not just from the monetary freedom. I almost feel as if by paying off the last of my debts, I have finally put the stressful time of unemployment, my car accident, and the huge transition of moving solo to a brand new city behind me. I have paid my debt in full, and there is nothing left to haunt me from that stressful and trying time. I can start anew.

Now I have tons of plans for the future. Like HAVING A SAVINGS and finally tithing the full 10%. But none of my plans involve spending any extra money, or picking up those nasty credit cards again. In fact - I pretty much plan to stick to the same plan I’ve been on for this past year - just with a little extra cash to put towards much worthier investments. Here’s just a a few of my suggestions:

Budget for your expenses - and enjoyment - then sick to it!
I’ve heard time and time again from friends who will only budget for what they NEED (rent, food, utilities, gas) but feel guilty building in room in their budget for enjoyment. But just because you’re broke, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t enjoy life! In fact, you’re more likely to spend MORE money on “fun things” if you don’t budget for it. I have a budget for all the necessities, but I also built in a budget for entertainment, eating out, and my Disneyland pass. This way, I knew when it was okay to relax and enjoy myself - and when the budget ran tight, I stopped.

Pay Cash for EVERYTHING -or-
Use your credit card like a debit card - but be careful!
This is something that I’m split on, because I’ve done it both ways. For a while, I was using my credit card like a debit card - spending only the cash that I had in my checking account, and nothing more. It helped me earn up useful points (see more on that below) but it also got me into trouble. When I wasn’t scared about emptying my account, I didn’t analyze my purchases, and sometimes ran WAY over what I should have spent. It was also hard to track how much money I was putting towards my credit card debt - because I was transferring “regular expenses” to the credit card every pay check as well.

I eventually went back over to the old fashioned debit card / cash option, and now I pay for EVERYTHING out of my checking account. I switched over my automated payments to my debit card (with google reminders set to tell me when it’ll be taken out) and watch my mint.com account like a hawk to ensure I don’t stumble into overdraft. In fact, it’s worked pretty handy because I’m SO scared of going over, that I never even come close - helping me reign in my spending even more.

Put a little into savings, and the rest on to debt management
My savings is minuscule, but every month without fail I made sure something got deposited into my savings account to keep me afloat. However, once I fed my savings account, and made sure that the rest of my expenses would be covered - I dumped the rest onto my credit card. I realize this was a risky play, but as long as I knew that there was some money in savings to cover an emergency, and enough cash to cover me my money was doing little good just sitting in a checking account. Yes, it was nerve racking to see my checking balance low more often than not - but the comfort of seeing my credit card dip lower was better. In fact, if it wasn’t for a couple of major cash payments I made on my card in the last couple of months, I’d probably still be fighting the debt monster.

Use your points to pay finance fees
Obviously, one of the worst parts of credit card debt is the finance fees, they can eat you alive. However, even with the thousands of dollars of credit card debt, my total finance fees came under $100. How did I do this? Points, my friend. Since I was lucky enough to have a credit card with an amazing points system, I was able to cash in the thousands of points (from thousands of dollars) into cash - or rather statement credits that almost completely wiped out my finance fees.

Knowing I’ve finally conquered my credit card debt, and only for $100 worse, I feel like I can do anything! Well - anything that is, except for shopping. I think I’ll hold off on that for just a bit more.

Sacrifices for Happiness

Since I can't very well allow Twixter One to post a blog and not have one to follow, here I am. Many, many things have changed since my last entry.

Here's the mini run down:
-Husband and I may or may not be moving to Florida. We may be looking into California. (Do not die of a heart attack Twixter One. You need to be on gchat nao so I can update you.)
-I quit the very well paying job I hate to take 2 lesser paid jobs that make me much happier
- I started filling out all the paperwork to go back to school this next year and graduate. I seriously cannot wait.
-Husband finished his second novel of his life and I couldn't be prouder.

Now, some explanation. I'll start with just explaining this last weekend since it pretty much changed our lives.

This last weekend, one of our best friend's from college (whom we shall call Gavin) graduated. When he invited us to his graduation party, we knew that no matter what happened, we would be there.

But first, I have been applying like a mad women (even while at work) to other places so I could quit my call center job. I knew I needed to have 2 jobs to cover what I was making there but needed to get out of that place so bad it was making me depressed. So I applied like crazy and Thursday night I got a call. I had interviewed at Old Navy and they wanted to hire me. I had the potential of 40 hours as long as I was available. And boy was I available. During the last week I had also been in talks with a manager from Starbucks (thanks to the Husband's rocking connections, I got to skip the whole interview process and just talk straight to a manager who needed a barista). She had sounded pretty sure she was going to hire me. So as soon as Old Navy offered me the job, I got in my car, drove to my call center and quit on the spot.

This was a very rash move for me. I've never just up and quit a job in my life. Ironically they wouldn't have let me put in notice anyway. They really didn't care. Proving even more how much I hated that job. So I snuck out like a thief in the night with all the items from my desk and got ready to go to California. My shoulders felt like a giant weight was lifted off them and I was practically dancing as I shopped for random stuff we'd need for the trip.

On the way down, I was confessing to husband that I was kind of depressed to be going to our old school and town because to me, the drive felt like I was going home, not going to visit. To be honest, I've felt ever since we moved that California was my home. As excited as I was for adventure and moving to Florida, I was scared it would be just like Las Vegas without family. Just Husband and I in an apartment with only 1 friend an hour away. I had suppressed that thought for a long time.

But California. Husband and I arrived looking snazzy and dressed up for graduation. It was really fun to see all the people we had missed. All the while I was slightly shriveling inside.

This was supposed to be me. I was supposed to be graduating right now.

I only have 6 classes left. But due to the move and Husband and I's financial situation and the lack of married housing on campus, we were forced to move straight to Nevada without a glance back. I sat there at graduation, proud of all my friends who were wearing their gowns and walking up the stage but still reminded I should be done. And wanted to be done. Now.

After graduation we had an amazing day. Gavin's graduation party was exactly what I want mine to be. A small group of family and closest friends celebrating a great milestone with beer and pizza. It was perfect. Afterwards, we went to the beach and just played in the sand. Gavin and his cousin and his brother from Maine actually went swimming like crazy people. But I guess if we swim in the ocean in Maine, Newport Beach isn't so bad. Afterward we ate dinner, hung out at the bathwater warm pool.

Husband and I had a dawning realization.

We miss people.

We're extremely social and as of right now, we sit in our apartment and watch TV. Every once in a while we have people to hang out with. But not like in California. We hung out with Gavin nearly every single day for 2 years. Not to mention one of my best friends in the world and maid of honor (whom we shall call Riley) was there everyday too. I just need that back again.

So needless to say, Husband and I are looking into all our options, which include moving back to California this upcoming fall or spring. We've got a lot to figure out, but I can't wait to decide.

Miss you all.

Twixter Two

Lover of Books

In High School I was a lover of books. My suitcase would constantly outweigh that of all 5 of my family members’ after 4 or 5 different novels were snuck into the side creases. I brought books to my brother’s soccer games, on long car rides to our favorite Mexican restaurant across town, and even on summer vacation. Our family vacation albums are filled with pictures of me curled up on the dock with a book and a sunburn while the rest of the kids splashed from the lake.

My love of books was probably what lead me to enroll in an Great Books honors program when I was in college. (And most likely my love of story that lead me to becoming a film major). Unfortunately, while my film degree lead me to consume more and more movies and TV by the day, my classical honors education almost dried up my desire to pick up a good book.

The 4-year program demanded thousands of pages of reading from me each week during every semester of my college career. (Don’t believe me? Go and pick up “The Iliad” and “The Odyssey” and prepare yourself for my first week of freshman year.) My semesters were enlightening and intense, and at the end of the four years I can honestly say I earned my class ring. But after shoving thousands of years of literary genius into 4-years of mental insanity, I have no desire to read anything other than the headlines of Deadline.com .

I’m inching on a full year since graduation (and a year and a half after finishing my coursework) and I have successfully read 3 books. The first “The Sex Lives of Cannibals” took me a record 6-months to complete a measly 272 pages. On a slightly better record it took me 1 month to re-read “The Devil Wears Prada” and 4 days to read “The Hollywood Assistants Handbook” - not anywhere near the high literary caliber I’ve accustomed myself to but strangely applicable to my current situation in life.

It’s not that I don’t WANT to pick up the dusty paper backs that are still sitting in plastic crates in the side of my room. The epic tales of the centuries, combined with my own fond memories of microwaveable rice and cherry coke at 3 in the morning, still taunt me as I refuse to both unpack or sell my college treasures.

But, by the time the day is done, and I’ve read through all 118 of my Google Reader feeds, scoured hundreds of emails, and checked every facebook message while praying dinner is slightly edible - I’m exhausted. My brain is too tired to imagine delving into another world page by page - it is much much easier to press play on another Gilmore Girl rerun and know that even if I fall asleep, I can still predict the outcome in the end.

I’d always taken myself as a “lifelong learner” and somewhat glazed over the part of graduation where professors urged us to “continue our love of learning and our love of books” - believing that my newfound freedom would leave me plenty of room to read the books I now wanted to read. But a year out, I’m finding myself on the other side of the table.

What about you? Did years of academic rigor exhaust any love of books right out of you? or are your college paper backs now threadbare from many post-college book-a-thons?

Or better yet, any book recommendations for a post-collegiate who’s ready to slowly inch back into the world of the reading?

Sorry for the Silence

I've been silent, I know. Right after I write a post about how I'd be posting more. But this monster has been taking up ALL of my waking (and some sleeping) hours:


Since I don't have any time to write now, I'll simple say -
Biola Media Conference 2010: Worlds Collide. Check it out at: www.biolamedia.com

And excuse the silence while I go back to obsessing about tables, and chairs, and drapes. Oh my!

On a Nerdy, Happy Note: Eclipse and Last Airbender!!!

Well, after my last post, I figured the Twixters out there could use a little happiness. I was awoken by an awesomely sad dream at 7 am this morning which I proceeded to write down. This dream could possibly be fleshed out into a story. I just may try!

But in nerdy news, this last Friday was the release of the final Last Airbender Trailer and the Eclipse Trailer. Needless to say I was in nerd heaven. I go home from work (after a lovely alcoholic Pear Cider from BJ's with the Mom) and sat down to watch the trailers.

Let's being with the Last Airbender. I will admit, I was jaw dropped open, smiling at the screen the whole trailer. Starting with the moment we see Appa. The large air bison that Aang and the crew ride for the entire saga. It's amazing and we get to see him fly. Just a quick second, but that was all I needed. We next get to see a larger glimpse into the Fire Nation. And sweet Jesus does it look good. We also get a small glimpse of Aang fighting with the masked crusader, the "Blue Spirit". For those of you who watched the cartoon, you know who this awesome character is. For those that don't, I won't ruin it. But their fighting together looks AMAZING. It jumps around to some more wonderful CG that is epic. Aang flying, more water and fire bending, and a final small fight scene between Zuko and Aang. I died and went straight to nerd heaven.

Now, Eclipse. I was very excited about this trailer, but my reaction wasn't nearly as excited. Maybe it's because I've read the books so much and now already associate the actors with the book characters in my mind, it's not that hard for me to imagine transference of book to film. Needless to say, I watched anyhow and filmed my reaction. My first thought was I love Jacob. Seriously. I'm so happy Taylor Lautner got to stick it out because I think he's perfect. I love the larger part he plays in Eclipse. And the wolves look SO much better. It hasn't even been that long since New Moon but the CG is much improved. My favorite like in the trailer would have to by Jacob's, "As long as we get to kill some vampires.". Awesome. The newborn army is so much bigger looking on screen than I ever imagined in my head, which is definitely a good thing. I am so excited about the fighting it's ridiculous. I will say that one of Stephanie Meyer's weakness is her inability to really write fight scenes. Our main character Bella is usually so wrapped up in herself or unconscious during any sort of fight that we never see them in the books. David Slade's vision of the fight scenes look epic and amazing.

So there you go. My reactions to the new nerdy trailers this week. What did you guys think? Which one did you like better or did you only watch 1 or the other? Let us know!

The Blog That Stopped All The Others

Well, to be honest, I can make a bunch of excuses why I haven't blogged in over 2 weeks I think now. I've had so much to do, I've been so busy with work, haven't had much to write about.

The problem is all aforementioned excuses and the plethora more I can create are not the truth. The reason I haven't written is because I was avoiding writing this blog in particular. Now you may say, "Why Twixter Two didn't you just skip this one and move on?" Ah. There in-lies the problem.

My grandfather, whom I call Opa died April 17 a few years ago. He had been sick for a few years, fighting cancer and going in and out of the hospital. Even though through all that, he'd always been there.

Ironically now that I'm trying to write this blog, I don't know what to say.

How do you blog about things like this? Even when it's "anonymous" I still can't seem to express how hard it is to randomly think about calling him and remembering I can't. I can still remember the smell of his house and his cologne. I remember stealing his brush as a little kid so I could brush my hair with it so it'd smell like him. My Opa helped raise me from a baby. I was the first kid's diaper he changed even after having 5 kids himself and other grandchildren before me.

For whatever reason I was his special girl and he was always my favorite. He was so proud of me graduating high school and going to college. I still get sad knowing that he wasn't there at my wedding.

Even though I didn't cry at his funeral, I feel like a piece of me is missing with him gone. I can't even begin to understand how it feels like to lose someone you love when it's a complete surprise. It's been a few years and I still can't help buy nearly cry when I see things that reminds me of him. It makes it even harder being back in Las Vegas where he's been most of my life. When I was in California, I could pretend like he was still there but I just kept forgetting to call. Here, it's real. His house has someone else in it. His favorite places to eat won't have him as a customer, and haven't for quite some time.

I'll forever pay full price for a pint of hagan daas coffee ice cream since that was always his favorite. He would eat it so smoothly straight out of the pint. As a kid, I'd sit on his kitchen counter eating his ice cream with my clumsy un-even scoops but he never seemed to care.

I still can't really talk to anyone about this. I feel embarassed for whatever reason. Like I shouldn't be this sad still when there are people like Husband who lost his dad. I can't even think about that idea.

I feel like i'm just emotional vomit blogging now. I think this is at least a start. Maybe now I can blog about more silly/fun things like the new Eclipse trailer or the book series I finished a few weeks ago. We'll see.

You Tell Us ...

So Twixter Two and I have started to let blog posts slide again. We were doing so well for quite a while - churning out posts every other day. I can’t tell you what made things slow down, except that maybe we let life get in the way of our blogging. I know shame on us.

Did you miss us?

No, really - Did you miss us? We’re trying to decide if our blogging 4+ days a week is actually paying off and if more than just Mom & Dad are sticking around to read our posts each week. Too much? Too little?

And for those of you not Mom & Dad - what do you want to read? More posts about our day to day lives? or tips, advice and frustration on being a Twixter in general?

Let us know you're reading, and share your thoughts in the comments!

Back to Normal

The past couple of weeks I’ve been in a huge funk - to use the most simplistic term possible. Achy, tired, unmotivated I was jumping back into hermit mode where I thought a marathon of Gilmore Girls for the 3rd night in a row was the definition of a good time. Finally things have gotten sorted out, and for the first week in a while I feel like life is back to what normal should be.

This weekend I managed to skip out of the office a little early to make the drive down to San Marcos to see a couple of dear friends. Mr. A and I were in honors classes together in college and when he introduced me to Mrs. A (then Ms. C of course) we were insta-friends. Now they’re married and live a total of 2 and a half hours away from me, which I deem completely unfair. They’re expecting their first baby in just a couple months and I can’t wait to have a little niece or nephew to play with!! (I was very tempted to nickname them “Mama Bear” and “Papa Bear” in this entry as they’re the first of my friends to be married. But looks like practicality won out.)

Anyways, I spent Friday evening with them in their brand new house and Mama Bear (okay okay - I like it better) and I went shopping at Target for over two hours. You know that you’re the best of friends when shopping at Target is an adventure. The rest of the weekend flowed with coffee and conversation, and I remembered what it was like to have my close friends nearby. When everyone scattered after graduation it was hard to think of how our friendships would survive being such long distances apart, so I love having friends who pick up after months away like nothing ever happened.

Sunday was a rough day for me on the “getting back to normal” track, but Monday brought with it another long lost friend moment. Mrs. H (there I go again with the uncreativeness) drove up the 405 for some quality chinese take out and movie date. We gabbed too much to remember anything of the first half of Whip It but the second half has us totally pumped to find a roller derby in LA. We’re already brainstorming our derby names, and plotting ways to trick The Boy and her husband on a double date to the derby.

The rest of this week has seemed to speed by - fully bringing me up to speed and back to normal. I went down to my Alma Mater for the day to work on the Conference that I volunteer for every year, and got myself some yummy Chick Fil A while I was at it. Now The Boy is up North for a few nights before we head out on our vacation tomorrow - so EXCITED for my long weekend! See you next week!

Grown Up at 22

It was late on Friday afternoon and I’m maneuvering my tiny blue Nissan Sentra down the 5. The sun is streaming in from my window, the rays bouncing off of the waves that are peacefully lapping on the shore just off the side of the freeway. I kick off my Steve Maddens and grip the rubber pedals with my bare toes. My iPhone is streaming music both too old but too young to be cool, since I haven’t updated my music library since college. As I continue to drive up the coast I get a wave of memories - I pass the beach we went skinny dipping at after finals my sophomore year, and the place we made Twixter Two dance with her boa during her bachelorette party.

It’s a beautiful spring day in Southern California, and as I push my sunglasses back into my hair and take a sip of lemonade it hits me - This is my twenties. I am living in a city than many people can only dream of visiting and I have the freedom to appreciate it’s finer points. In that moment, all the stress of growing up melted away and I realized that I’ve grown up. It may not be the life that my parents, my friends, my co-workers or my roommates dream of when they think of living in LA at 22. But for the past 22 years I’ve dreamed of what my life would be like when I was a “grown up” and on days like today, I feel like I’m living that dream.

Independence

This year I have reached a HUGE milestone in my life:

I am independent.

or at least according to the federal government I am. That’s right, it’s tax time. When it came time to settle in and finally figure out my taxes, I reached a HUGE question, right on page one:

“Can someone else claim you as a dependent?”

For the first 21 years of my life, this question was a given. But suddenly I’m staring at my taxes faced with the defining question of my twenties:

“Am I REALLY independent?”

In an irony of sorts I picked up the phone and proceeded to have an hour-long conversation with my Dad to try to navigate my way between dependence and independence. (at least according to the US government)

About halfway through, we decided that yes, for one more year, I was a dependent. I calculated my W-2’s and typed them neatly into Turbo Tax, only to be met with a very nasty red number. My thought?

Hey Dad – if I’m a dependent, I’m depending on you to help me pay this bill. Yikes!

And that’s when Dad and I started to play the tax game. Uncheck a box here, calculate the distance moved here, and suddenly my number went up and up and up until WOW! I got the biggest tax refund I have ever seen. (Thinking back to the days when I was SUPER PSYCHED to get my $90 refund. WooHoo!)

At the end of the hour I had a very nice little green number at the top of my screen, and I told my Dad goodbye.

Thanks for the great life Dad, but I think I’ll take it from here. ;)

Of course, there is the downside to being independent. And well, it’s that I’m dependent. No longer to my parents, but to my credit card. It steals my independence, literally down to my very last cent.

So, my hefty check from the US government didn’t stay in my account more than a couple of hours before the entire amount (plus a little extra) was immediately transferred on to my credit card bill. As my credit card balance dropped, so did my excitement as I remembered the days where tax refunds meant a full-fledged girl’s day – complete with shopping trip.

But today, I woke up to another direct deposit into my account – this time from the State of California. I had completely forgotten! I spent all of my “dependent” life as a Nevada resident, basking in the glory that is no state income tax. But California is in debt, and we don’t have that luxury. I cringe every two weeks as I see the extra little line on my paycheck as my precious dollars are taken away by the state.

Except for the fact that now, I got a few of them back.

Of course on the flip side, now I’m also VERY tempted.

Over the last couple of months I’ve been VERY dedicated to sticking to a budget. I’ve bought no extras, no splurges, just strictly what I need and nothing else. It’s been very exhausting. So part of me wants to take my state tax refund as just a little reward to myself. That is, until the responsible side kicks in.

As always, I’m torn between the responsible thing to do, and the thing that will make me feel just a little bit happier. It’s time to make a responsible adult choice.

So what did you do with your tax refund? Did it all go towards paying off debt? Or do you get to have a little fun?