Well, this will be my last weekend as an unemployed citizen. It's a bitter sweet feeling. As much as I've enjoyed sitting around the house doing nothing all the time, the empty wallet is not a feeling I've grown to like.
As I mentioned before, this job that starts Monday is the one job I didn't want. It's a "responsible adult" job that just does not sound fun in the slightest. I'll be working in the retention department of a call center for an internet provider. Not exactly what I would call a party, but the job is full time and pays better than any job I've ever had. It's going to be so amazing feeling to open my paycheck and see it's over $400. With only having part time jobs prior to this, it will be very weird to work for 40 hours a week. One other cool perk is I get free wireless internet installed where I live. Not to shabby.
I'm working on being very honest about my emotions in this blog, so bear with me. (Twixter One can attest, I don't often talk about my emotions. Just how I grew up I guess.)
I'm really freaking scared of this job. I'm terrified of not wanting to wake up each day because I hate 40 hours out of my 168 I get each week. That's 24% of my week. And say I sleep 8 hours a night. That leaves 52% of my week untouched. That's not a lot. It sounds like it is. But it isn't. What if the money isn't enough? I just really want to pay my bills off and have a bit of a savings. Sorry for the math lesson. Just a small peek into how my nerdy mind works.
But there's something else... What I'm really scared of is actually liking it. What if I really like this job and don't want to leave? I'm a goal oriented person. I like promotion and training and teaching. What if this place gives me the opportunity? Vegas was supposed to be extremely temporary. Move here, save some money and get the hell out. The longer I stay here, the harder it will be to leave. But I also don't want to leave too early. I don't want to be some place else with no job and no one to help us like we luckily have out here.
But then when is the right time to leave? I feel like I'm on the edge of a fence on a hot day. On one side, there's an awesome tree with shade. On the other side is a small lake. Both are helpful and can keep you cool. But which one do you choose? They're so different in their pros and cons. So I just stand on the fence sweating my ass off doing nothing.
(sigh)
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growing up isn't so cool anymore
Twixter: (n)
a twenty-something stuck betwixt adulthood and childhood who still eats mac and cheese, prefers converse over stilettos, and pays for gas with change.
Basically, we refuse to grow up.
Basically, we refuse to grow up.
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2 comments:
Twixter --
Thanks for your advice on taming the Blogger time/date/draft/post conundrum. I followed your directions and it all worked just fine -- this old analog dog appreciates the help.
Congratulations on getting a full time job -- that's a serious accomplishment in this economy, and you should feel proud. The good news is you now have a full time job. The bad news (drum-roll please...) is that now now have to work full time. Work is a double-edged sword -- building a bank account coming at the cost of losing your infinite personal freedom.
There's a wonderful moment in "Lost in Translation" where Scarlett Johanson's character asks Bill Murray's character if life ever gets any easier. "No," he immediately replies, almost too quickly, then a beat later -- as if to soften the blow -- he relents: "Yes," he says, and begins trying to explain such an awkward truth across the immense gap in their respective ages and experience. That really captured it for me -- life is hard up and down the line, from start to finish for very different reasons as you grow older, but once you've run the gantlet a few times, you start to get the hang of it. If you're lucky (and not mentally ill), you learn to handle the bad stuff better, and appreciate the good things even more. Forks in the road come along all the time, forcing uncomfortable decisions -- and each road not taken can feel like opportunity lost. In some ways, it doesn't matter what choice you make -- you'll be in for an interesting a ride either way, and learn a lot in the process. You just have to trust that in your internal guidance system, and that in the end, it will help you get where you want to go.
Knowing what you really want is often the hardest part -- knowing what you don't want is a lot easier. In my early twenties, I had a horror of full time work. All I'd known was school and the occasional part-time jobs, so the notion of going to work prison eight hours a day monday-thru-friday held very little appeal. Eventually, though, I had to, and once I got into the flow of the job, it wasn't so bad. I had some very interesting experiences and met some very cool people -- things I still recall vividly thirty-five years later. My life changed, that's all, and yours will too. It was only later that I realized life is all about change. That doesn't mean I embrace all change -- believe me, when you get a lot older, most of the changes that come along are not of the welcome sort -- but it's all part of the deal. The only time you stop changing is when you're dead.
Starting a new job, especially full time work, is scary as hell. Try not to burden yourself with too many nameless fears. Don't worry now about this job tying you down or trapping you in some lifestyle you'll regret. So long as you don't compensate for your lost freedom by getting locked into endless consumer debt (ie: living way beyond your means, surfing the credit wave), you won't be trapped in this job or Las Vegas. Relax and trust yourself to know when it's time to leave -- something inside will tell you that. First jobs are just that, and right now there's no way of knowing what lies ahead.
Look, the twenties are tough. When I was stumbling through that age, an older female friend told me "They don't call it the 'terrible twenties' for nothing." I didn't understand what she meant at the time -- I was going out a lot, partying, playing the field and getting dumped from time to time, and I just assumed life would always be like riding a seriously violent roller coaster. But things mellowed out in time -- the things that terrified me back then are distant memories now.
The beginning of any new job is always the worst part. In a week, you'll have a much better feeling about the whole thing, and in a month, you'll be a veteran. You'll do fine.
Good luck.
Thank you so much for the wonderful comment. It's true, it's really not as bad as I expected. Although having 3 weeks of training isn't making the transition any easier. I'll be excited for it to be done and actually just start my job.
Thanks again,
Twixter Two
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